The ONLY thing Facebook ever got right

Although I am sure tons of mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, chair moistening dildo polishers out there will disagree with me but if there is only one thing that Facebook has ever gotten right it is the fact that they don’t allow you to modify your profiles layout, theme, colors, etc.

Sure, you probably think there are tons of great things about Facebook and a lack of user control isn’t one of those things, but I assure you, if you think this, well there’s no other way to say it: The first practical application of time travel technology should be utilized to go back in time and place the 1st grade version of you on a bus that is 65% less lengthy than your standard issue grade school conveyance.

Misdirected praises for Facebook include:

“Well it’s a great way to connect with old friends!” which is by far the most common and most shitty excuse for praise EVER.

First off, people just tend to think that Facebook was the first site EVER that was capable of connecting people. In case you were born in 2001, let me assure you, it wasn’t. The ONLY difference between Facebook and Myspace, Livejournal or AOL chatrooms is that it requires you to use your REAL name. Let me just say this, the use of your real name isn’t as much an innovation of Facebook, it’s probably more or less the entire internet pulling it’s collective heads from the rectal cranial inversion that it’s been suffering since 1995. it’s the sound of several billion people all realizing at once that fake screen names make you sound like a retarded stripper online and that maybe just going with your real name makes you sound better and makes locating you easier because there is nothing as pathetic as a 48 year old man going by the name Dudemaster_McGothpants_666_woefull_nightsorrows_XXX.

Don’t thank Facebook for this innovation, thank yourself for abandoning your toolshed of an online persona.

“Well it’s free!” is another bullshit statement people like to use either as praise or a get out of jail free card when a service sucks. I assure you, it’s not free. Just because you don’t understand the mechanics of how indirect revenue streams works doesn’t mean NO ONE is paying the bills on it. I assure you, there’s profit to be had in free online services, otherwise no one would do them.

Secondly, just because you provided something for FREE doesn’t mean we can’t call you out for sucking giant monkey nads. Licking a hobos ass crack might be free but that doesn’t mean it deserves praise just because it was a cheap date.

A good example would be Firefox, which used to be a good browser until it came standard with the “Crash every 6 hours for no apparent reason” feature. I love when it crashes too because it prompts a little dialogue that says “Whoops! This is embarrassing!” before offering to restart all the windows I previously had open.

Yes, you should be embarrassed Firefox. No, owning up to it and offering to fix it doesn’t exonerate you, next time don’t fucking crash. Of course I want you to restart, I wasn’t the one who closed everything down so wouldn’t common sense dictate that you should fix your shit?

If you want praise, do a good fucking job. Just being free doesn’t get you off the hook when you’re absolute garbage.

At any rate, this isn’t about the litany of things wrong with Facebook, it’s about the only thing they’ve ever done right, which is to restrict dumbasses with no comprehension of memory usage from raping your eyeballs with bullshit animations, sparklies, music videos and Byzantine labyrinths of bullshit that barely pass as “custom layouts”.

What brings me to this is Tumblr. A website about pictures. Only that it’s not. I signed up for Tumblr a while back and aside from helping me spread some filth around the web, it’s pretty much useless.

I will break for a moment here to explain something: I am bitching about internet sites and I use them. Shouldn’t I recognize the dichotomy in such a tirade? No. Here’s why: I hate pretty much all internet sites with the exception of (because it’s awesome, a comedy site that subversively educates people) and a few others. The thing is, I produce entertainment on the web and I want people to see that entertainment so inasmuch as these sites wear me the hell out, I still utilize them because I am not so stupid as to neglect a source of traffic based purely on how poorly these sites are made.

Returning to my diatribe, the main currency on Tumblr is animated gifs. Words are worth about a peso, pictures a nickel and animated gifs are horse cocks made of gold that ejaculate cocaine.

Tumblr limits the size of gifs but not how many you can post. So if you subscribe to more than 10 people the odds that your computers gonna crash harder than a Taliban piloted airplane are pretty much guaranteed because everyone is going to be posting a cascading wall of bullshit animated 2 second gifs.

The openly editable profiles are the worst since Myspace days though. First off, there are a million choices and that sucks. Sure, choice COULD be a good thing but you know what? Sometimes a lack of choice is also good, it keeps you from wasting hours of your life tweeking some crappy shade of purple or lining up borders. I see some magnificent profiles on Tumblr but you know what? Fuck them.

I don’t really want to spend hours of my life trying to keep up with the neighbors online. If I want to get comptetive about something in life I would like for it to be something WORTHWHILE, not whose profile boasts the most effective use of the Bleeding Cowboys font. Fucking shoot me if that shit ever matters to me.

Then they have the option to add music. Ok, I love hearing new music, but I can search it out on my own. When you’re looking through Tumblr chances are you’re going to open several windows and when one lone asshole has some song from “Ocarina of Time” on his page and it starts playing over my own music, causing me to have to alt tab through multiple pages to find it, I don’t just want to pause it, I want to rape everyone and everything that person has ever held dear to them.

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Why Cosplay Girls Annoy The Shit Out Of Me

I am anticipating a sudden drop in my number of online friends and an immediate rise in hatemail. Why? Because today I am calling out cosplay girls.

I am a science fiction fan, and I mean that in the “I know who Theodore Sturgeon, Robert Sheckley, Fredirik Pohl and a whole bunch of other people you have no idea are because you think watching 6 seasons of Lost made you a hardcore Sci-Fi fan” and you’d think that I would be all about hot chicks picking up on my interests, but I am not. Why? Because these girls, as a general rule, suck.

The first thing about cosplay girls is that their average age is 11-17 years old. Now, I don’t have my law degree by any means but I am pretty sure that even SEEING a girl who is 14 and thinks a public appropriate outfit is one where there is a patch of fur covering her butt crack and 2 pieces of tape modestly concealing the part of the nipple that sticks out but leaving the aureola mostly exposed is grounds for a sex offense if you’re looking at it and over the age of 18.

And this is why some guys now have to go door to door and say hello to their new neighbors when they move into a new neighborhood

Let me put it to you this way, a good way of defining whether or not an underage girl in any given outfit is morally bad is to ask yourself the following hypothetical question: If said girl was on a stage and I had a dollar bill in my hand when the cops came through the door would I be spending the next 5 to 10 as the lowest ranking caste in the correctional system? Seriously, if having a picture of it on your hard drive would cause a statch charge it’s probably not good in public.

Also, cosplay girls, I have to bust your nuts on another thing: what you are doing is NOT costuming.

THIS is a costume:

THIS is a costume:

THIS is a slightly above average quality stripper outfit:

Costumes are things that completely transform a person into an unrecognizable form or a fantasy, they are things that require long periods of time and skill to create. Your work generally requires a wig from Ebay and some 1/8th yard snippets from the scrap bin at JoAnne Fabrics. Think I’m full of shit and don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me ask you this, and answer honestly: What was the last costume you had that DID NOT require a wig, used more than a yard of fabric and covered your mid riff? Yeah, I thought so.

It also bugs me that I see a lot of these people in general being hailed as “creative”. Replicating something someone else created is not creative. Creativity is making something new, that while it may have been influenced by other works, is largely an original idea executed in a new or interesting fashion. Being the 1,000,000,000th Slave Leia isn’t creative, it just means you’re nominally good at emulating, that’s really the highest praise you deserve. You’re an OK copy artist, congratulations at tracing the lines ass hat.

See, you’re not really even PLAYING or pretending at costuming. Your efforts are so weak that they couldn’t even be considered valid for costuming, what you’re actually playing at is whoring. I’m not saying you ARE whores, I’m saying you’re doing a fantastic job playing them. You’re kind of failing in two highly disparate yet somehow connected areas, namely costuming and slutting around. You’re failing at costuming because your craftsmanship is for shit and does not exemplify a concerted effort into the field and you’re failing at being sluts because you just look like one but you’re not actually ponying up the goods/effort in that area either.

I realize I’m being harsh here but don’t take it too personally, you’re in the right age group for this. When you live at home no one really expects a lot from you so half assing everything is ok, we’re not looking at any of you and expecting anything great so if the best thing you can provide the world with at this point is some prepubescent spank bank deposits, fine. Just do us all a favor and make up for it by doing something worthwhile later in life like curing cancer, teaching the next Helen Keller to talk or being at least nominally less worthless than you are now…unless of course you’re in your late 20’s and still doing this, in which case god help you. You’re in for a hard landing when reality sets in and you realize what a continental dollar male attention really is, especially when your 16 year old breasts make way for Harley Davidson udders. Being the hot chick people want to fuck has a way of leaving you optionless in your later years as no one wants to see an octogenarian Aeon Flux and slipping past the door guards for the merch room at the Trek convention isn’t really a career skillset.

Now look, I’m not against skanky outfits. I generally think you can judge how fucked a society is by how AGAINST girls in sexy outfits it is. I think that’s why the Middle East is such a mess, because they don’t embrace the awesomeness that is baby doll t-shirts but there’s an appropriate context here. I’m not a puritan, I’m about the least sexually uptight person on the planet but I restrict my appreciation to that of girls who are a legal age, which is more than I can say for most convention attendees.

Go to any convention and try this: Take a drink every time you see a group of cosplay girls with 5-10 sketchy as fuck, unshowered, greasy haired male photographers clambering for a shot. You’ll be dead from liver failure before you get past the galleria. You know the type, some jackhole who is age 24-98 who has a telephoto lens that can get a better clear shot of the Pillars of Creation than the hubble telescope and can make a 6,200 megapixel jpeg of a girls single pore from 1,200 feet away. A fucking creeper is what I’m getting at.

Look, I do female photography and I work damned hard NOT to be a creeper and I will admit, it’s hard. As a guy any time I get a camera in my hand I feel the urge to take a picture of hot chick but the thing is I can also control my breathing, NOT sweat profusely and kinda keep my shit in check so that I don’t convey the ultimate picture of a guy who is going to go home and knock his gong around the minute he gets that picture into Photoshop. Washing the bucket of grease out of your hair and not getting pathetically excited or frantic about shooting EVERY single girl at the con is a good start.

Not pictured: Subtlety

Not that they’d have sex with you anyways. They wouldn’t know what to do with a live penis. I have not personally had sex with a cosplay girl but I have friends in the age group who have and the general consensus is that the girls respond to a cock in their hands in roughly the same fashion as they would if you were to hand them the throttle stick on a Mig jet rocketing towards the ground and ordered them to pull out of an active tailspin, namely confusion bordering on terror.

Now hand them a Sword of Omens and they’ll play that thing like one of Ron Jeremy’s supporting actresses. Thundercat hos…or wait, did I get that wrong?

Speaking of swords, that’s another thing and this one isn’t limited to the chicks- cosplayers, your swords are fucking ridiculous. In the world of fake weaponry nothing is more absurd than a sword so huge you could cut a slice of cake from 2 zipcodes away but you actually COULDN’T because it’s made of duct tape. As a fan of fake weaponry I have to say, it’s got to be enough that it doesn’t work, don’t add to it by making it utterly functionless as well.

The other problem is, these girls don’t just stick to the anime conventions, nope. They have started invading Sci-Fi conventions as well. I know most of your 64 points of IQ went into deciding what blue wig you needed to wear so you could properly represent the image of some bullshit character, but ANIME AND SCI-FI ARE NOT THE SAME THINGS DUMBASS.

You’re the same types of people who go to a Japanese restaurant and demand eggrolls because you’re too god damned self obsessed to realize THIS SHIT DOESN’T CONCERN YOU. You’re so desperate to spread yourself around that you try to shoehorn your bullshit into ANY event no matter how inapplicable it truly is. You dumbasses show up to Sci-fi conventions dressed as anime characters, renaissance festivals dressed as pirates never thinking twice that you’re about as accurate as a harpoon used for sewing purposes.

That’s cosplayers in general, people who want to jam a square cock into a round vagina any chance they get.

When I first started going to the local Star-Fest/Sci-Fi conventions there was one basic category of attendees – Shitty looking 30-45 year old men with pot bellies who lived their off hours outside of being ardent coders by sleeping on the parent pillow. I rested comfortably knowing that if I were to go to a convention I would be surrounded by fat fucktards who smelled like bad butter and who would be wearing Klingon foreheads and giant oversized glasses from Lens Crafters that went out of style in 1982.

The problem is, as with any convention that is unconventional, it becomes a dumping ground for all the other crap that doesn’t fit anywhere else. People go “Oh look, people who are weird are here, I’m weird too so I won’t bother checking to see if my weirdness is COMPATIBLE, I’ll just dump my ass in there!”

Now all this could be ignored if I could just write it off on the same ticket that we give male cosplayers and sci-fi fans an active out with, namely that it’s excusable because you’re a nerd, socially retarded and don’t know any better because you spent all your life watching Star Trek, but that’s not the case. They’re not real nerds either.

A few weeks back I was at the club and some girl is going off on what a nerd she is. What were her credentials? Playing Call of Duty and Portal nonstop. That was it. I had to point out that being a GAMER is not the same as being a nerd but she just kinda looked at me as though I told her gravity was a liquid and it tasted like gummy bears. Great dumbass, you think playing video games makes you an intellectual elite with a taste for high quality fantasy? It doesn’t.

Am I bitter? Absolutely, 100%. Why? Because as someone who grew up being ostracized for being a dork ass outsider, someone who was routinely ridiculed by girls for not liking sports and trendy music I can I.D. shallow bitches from a mile away and it pisses me the hell off to see girls who most assuredly would have been treating nerd boys like lepers in middle school now capitalizing on their attention later in life because being a nerd is cool.

Lastly, Anime, I gotta say it… one thing you probably don’t realize is that anime isn’t a brilliant art form. You think it is because you have no frame of reference aside from flipping your shit in groups of 10 at the San Rio store but it’s actually kinda crap in Japan. If you had ever been to Japan you’d know that pretty much EVERYTHING in that place is accented with drawings so cute that they shit cartoon cats. In Japan Anime isn’t really this esteemed art form, it’s pulp, you’re celebrating something mass produced with very little attention to quality. It would be kind of like going to  an art gallery in Canada that was filled with exquisitely framed American highway signs. The point is, Anime is the Coke bottle in “The Gods Must Be Crazy”.

At any rate, if you agree with this sentiment, feel free to cross post it. If you hate it and want me dead because I insulted you and your group of squeeling, Companion Cube loving friends feel free to direct your friends here to give me what for, seriously, burst your hearts hot shell upon me. I can imagine nothing better than a frothing group of cosplayers attempting to accost me at the next Sci-Fi convention with their giant tape swords and hand painted Mavaricks with pressure gauges hot glued to them.

For more of my insolence go to

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Blatant lies about World War II that you’d probably believe

So there’s this awesome thing I discovered a while back and I wanted to share it with the world.

I was reading this article about the Allied forces in World War 2 attempting to make Hitler more docile by sneaking female hormones into his salads. The theory was that if we could manage to calm him down a bit it would be of strategic importance and give us the upper hand. I remember thinking at the time “Well that’s a pretty ingenious plan” at the time, with the possible exceptions being:

1. Instead of making him a more docile military leader they could have just snuck in arsenic and made him a much more DEAD leader.

2. While it would have MOSTLY worked, he would have been much more likely to be kinder and gentler 3/4 of the time but then there’d be about a week out of every month where he’d get unreasonably moody, demanding, bloated due to water weight gain and complainy and make up for it by being a REAL fucking cunt to the Jews, so it would probably come out in the wash anyways.

Anyways, it got me thinking that, shit, there are a lot of wild facts out there going around about World War 2 but in reality, there’s also probably a lot of bullshit too. I mean seriously, if I were to make up a lie, right here on the spot, would YOU know it? Aside from Googling it, would you have any real way to quantify what I was saying? Hell no. You don’t know shit about WW2. Want me to prove it? Ok, read on. I am going to tell you 2 things about that war and I want you to guess which one is a blatantly fucked up lie.

Item 1: The Great Panjadrum.

I’m not even entirely sure where to start with this one…the British military had this notion that strapping a shit ton of rockets to a giant wheel, laden with explosives and no discernible means of guidance was a REALLY good idea.

It wasn’t.

Your first indicator should be the use of the word “Great” in the devices name. You know how DVD’s try to sell more copies by attaching the words “Special edition” or “Unrated” to the packaging? Well, back in the old days the word “Great” was usually attached to shitty entertainers and sub-optimal engineering garbage we threw together at the last moment.

The first attempt sucked root as the Panjadrum just sat there and several rockets ripped off and went flying into the crowd of spectators. The solution, which would later become an oft employed strategy of the United States military in the face of any strategic failure, was as follows “Send more rockets”.

So they did, they attached a shitload more rockets at which point it did what any right thinking person who has ever seen a situational comedy already knew would happen, it took off like an NFL player accused of killing a pedestrian in a drunk driving accident and flew right the hell towards the spectators and engineers (yes, there were spectators because they decided to do this on a beach where a lot of people vacationed and apparently the phrase “Get the fuck back, we’re testing new explosives that might kill you all and it’s kind of a secret” hadn’t been invented yet.

However, that level of failure was merely tragic and had not yet crossed the line into “Hilariously tragic” and as such they set about attaching more rockets and trying one last time. Here’s an actual account of that day by a BBC reporter –

“At first all went well. Panjandrum rolled into the sea and began to head for the shore, the Brass Hats watching through binoculars from the top of a pebble ridge… Then a clamp gave: first one, then two more rockets broke free: Panjandrum began to lurch ominously. It hit a line of small craters in the sand and began to turn to starboard, careering towards Klemantaski, who, viewing events through a telescopic lens, misjudged the distance and continued filming. Hearing the approaching roar he looked up from his viewfinder to see Panjandrum, shedding live rockets in all directions, heading straight for him. As he ran for his life, he glimpsed the assembled admirals and generals diving for cover behind the pebble ridge into barbed-wire entanglements. Panjandrum was now heading back to the sea but crashed on to the sand where it disintegrated in violent explosions, rockets tearing across the beach at great speed.”

Ok, go back, re-read that and imagine Eddy Murphy and Jim Carey as the scientists shitting their pants in an over-animated and comic fashion as the retarded wheel of rocket firing death bore down on them at speeds in excess of 70 MPH and tell me that this isn’t a bullshit story taken directly from a scrapped buddy comedy. In my minds eye, I can see this event occurring in no other fashion than in sped up double time while “Yakkity Sax” plays as the soundtrack.

The project was scrapped for, get this, safety concerns. How badly have you miscalculated when your contribution to war is turned down because it’s PROBABLY TOO DEADLY. Because what you were proposing was just too damned fucked up to ever be considered for deployment? How many people out there can count “I made a weapon but it was declined by the military because they were all like ‘Whoa dude, waaaay too deadly for our liking!'” as a feather in their cap?

I can only imagine that everyone in this project went home and killed themselves, probably by trying to eat a toaster loaded with pop bottle rockets.

Item 2: Bat bombs.

Although widely rumored to be early products of Wayne Industries, these were in fact the brainchild of a dental surgeon who submitted the idea to the Whitehouse that we could attach small bombs to bats, release the bats over Japan where they would then fly into the rafters of building and explode a little while later.

Go back and read that sentence again, out loud. Someone, whose primary specialty in life was dentistry, had the gall to go to the Whitehouse and tell them that we should make bombs out of bats and level Japan with them. First off, I can only assume that the admissions policies for the oval office were FAR less strict back in those days, and secondly who the hell would have ok’d THAT?

Well they did. Someone actually went “Bat bombs, yeah that makes sense, let’s go ahead and get the ball rolling on that one!” The only logical conclusion I can make is that the 40’s were a time in which everyone, at every level in the chain of command in the United States Government had, in fact, come from a farm. That the nation was still so young that basically everyone, regardless of their position, knew how to milk a cow and shoe a horse, so when an idea like Bat Bombs came along it really sounded pretty plausible to the cabinet members in Washingtucky.

The plan was to dispatch 10 B52 bombers from Alaska to drop 1,040,000 bats onto Japan. There was one setback when the bats actually got loose and blew up the very place they were being housed at the time. That’s how you know the idea you came up with is a keeper, when whatever you’ve made to blow something the fuck hell up actually ends up blowing YOUR OWN shit up before you’ve even had a chance to test it, ask Ascanio Sobrero who couldn’t keep his invention from blowing up long enough to rebuild the previous manufacturing plants it it just got done destroying.

The Bat Bomb Project was nicknamed Project X-Ray by the military but it wasn’t for fear of discovery and subsequently compromising the integrity or the project, but because after spending over $2,000,000 on the project they would be god DAMNED if the Japanese heard about their idea and all died laughing before we had a chance to blow them up with our bats that we spent so much time working on. We’d just feel REALLY stupid then.

At any rate, X-Ray was cancelled when the atomic bomb started looking like a real feasible option and someone who wasn’t drunk on moonshine and in a position of power said “Yeah, let’s do THAT ONE!” because while I’m sure that the Bat Bombs seemed like a good idea at the time, it’s a bit like being trapped in a room where the only thing to stick your cock in is a toaster, but you feel silly when a vagina comes in at the last moment.

Alright, so you’ve heard 2 absolutely absurd stories of wartime haberdashery and I am going to give you all a moment to decide which one was total crap and which one was true. Scroll down when you’re ready to be dicked in the brain by historical accuracy.
Ready? The sad truth is, they’re both true. Both of these crazy ass, half baked train wrecks somehow made it beyond the stage where everyone involved should have been fired and made it to actual testing. Seriously, go look them up. This just proves my point that so MUCH wacky shit happened in WW2 that there’s a pretty good chance that if you blatantly lie about an event that never happened, people will never wise up and try to disprove it. World War 2 was pretty much a nonstop stream of historic fucking weirdness that after the fact just gets even more fucked up, like the fact that even though Hitler was being a dick, even by our lax racist standards of the 40’s, we still  bestowed the honor of being Time Magazines “Man of the year” and hosting the Olympics (not shitting you on either of those, go look them up)

As such, I want to conduct an experiment wherein I have concocted an awesomely blatant historical error that I want everyone to try to establish as a fact. Here it is –

At the beginning of the war it was un-seasonably hot in Germany so Nazi leaders had this idea – To lure all the Jews inside of the cattle cars by putting ice cream in the very, very back of each car. They did this because it was far easier than forcibly rounding up people and throwing them inside. As time went on and dairy became a more valuable commodity they stopped putting ice cream inside the cars and just started blatently lying, because Nazis are real dicks like that. The Nazis even went so far as to tell them that they made a mistake and the ice cream was in another train that would be along pretty soon so just keep working and they’d let them know when it got there.

The really FUCKED up thing is that they would carry this lie on for so long that when the Allied forces finally liberated the camps the first question that was usually asked was “Where is the ice cream?”

At any rate, let’s see if we can’t get this rumor started. The thing is, I need YOUR help to make this happen. It will be pretty easy I think, just wait for a situation where you can work it into conversation. Next time you’re at work and someone is like “Oh man, this policy change is total bullshit” just be all like “Yeah, this is like the ice cream with the Jews thing all over again” which will of course cause them to ask you what the flying dick squid you’re talking about and then you can launch into the story. Let”s make this happen! My goal is to get this on the History Channel by the end of the year!

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FUCK PANDAS: An objective analysis of a really shitty bear

So I was thinking about pandas today and it was getting me really fucking pissed. Pissed to the point where if I even SAW a panda today, I was going to punch it in it’s fuzzy black and white head and call it a bitch.

I have read 2 news reports lately about pandas refusing to fuck and how people are worried about their extinction. First of all, all sorts of animals go extinct every day but no one cares because they’re not cute like pandas it doesn’t matter as much apparently. Secondly, why the hell should we care if they don’t care enough to fuck each other?

You know what EVERY animal on this planet has in common? It’s that if you put 2 of them in a cage, they’ll fuck each other. Case in point, men’s prisons. Under normal circumstances most men won’t fuck another man, but when it’s the only other warm, semi moist love crack in the vicinity, with no chance of encountering the silk purse of a vagina for 10-20 years, you had better believe that butthole is going to be giving up core samples like it’s going out of style.

Hell, I have had 2 female rats in a cage and they finally decided it was time to fuck. They didn’t even HAVE anything to fuck with, but that didn’t stop them from trying. Now THAT’S the winning attitude! So we can see how strong the desire to bone each other is with all animals!

Not pandas though, they’re like fucking Morrissey and shit. Refusing to fuck, not telling anyone WHY, just leaving it as some obscure mystery. I’m pretty sure pandas are shitty vegans like Morrissey too, I can’t be bothered to look it up but I am gonna go ahead and state it as a fact. What the hell kind of pussy ass bear doesn’t eat other animals or fuck? When you’re a bear that is like god giving you the “Fuck, kill and eat anything you like, and you don’t have to do it in that order if you don’t want to because YOU’RE A FUCKING BEAR!” card, and these shitty animals are too stupid to cash in on it. Being a bear is like having a punch card to an all you can eat and fuck buffet but these putzfuck bears are sticking to the salad bar and keeping it in their pants.

That’s another thing, pandas are eating all our bamboo. If I have to watch faggy commercials about multimillion dollar companies telling ME to go green, then I should be allowed to go kill pandas as my contribution because they are doing NOTHING but not fucking and eating our forests, if anything letting them die out would be a bonus for the environment!

Not only that, but bamboo is like lumber to some of those Asian countries, or Oriental countries, or whatever we’re supposed to call them these days. There are still countries out there that have to build their shit outta bamboo, has anyone asked how pandas affect them!? Of course no one did, because no one has thought about this as hard as I have.

How the hell would you feel if you went to Home Depot and on your way out some bastard ass panda ate all your 2 by 4s? You’d be fucking pissed and you sure as shit wouldn’t stop to wonder if that panda could get it up with his old lady.

Then I read an article on National Geographics website about how they are giving porno videos of other pandas screwing to these 2 bears in captivity because they won’t fuck. I shit you not, read it here –

A no shit, honest to god quote from the article – “They don’t know how to mate, so we need to show the male how through videos”

WHAT!? Now really, this is bullshit if I ever heard it. Why? Because we’re treating nature better than humans, that’s why. I got plenty of friends who can’t get a leg up when it comes to getting some chicks legs up, but no one is taking the time to instruct THEM on how to seduce a female, they’re on their own and if THEY want porn, they have to pay for it. Fuck pandas, if they want porn let them do what every god fearing teenager in America does, get a job in fast food and spend the bulk of their paycheck on a shitty porn VHS for $65 that will be poorly lit and full of people with discolored genitals pumping and grunting in a disingenuous fashion.

Why the hell is it OUR responsibility to make sure these limp dick bears are sexually aroused?

So in closing, fuck you pandas. If you’re too stupid to get on all that hot panda ass, well then you deserve to die.

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Why Robocop is better than Jesus Christ, my religion.

Traditionally I don’t talk a lot about my religion because people don’t usually look at me as someone with a spiritual side but I’m feeling compelled to talk about it today.

In all seriousness I have looked through many different religions, Christianity, Bhudism, Satanism, Wicca and quite a few more but in the end I found the answer that was right for me. I don’t talk about it a lot because I don’t want to deal with people’s judgment. It’s something that not a lot of people understand but I feel like if they did the world would be a better places so I think I am going cross that line today.

My religion is Robocop.

Robocop is better than all organized religions combined and just off the top of my head I can tell you a few reasons why Robocop is better than Jesus Christ without hesitation.

Like Christ Robocop rose from the grave after being wrongfully persecuted for his beliefs (Christ – “Turn the other cheek”, Murphy – “Dead or alive, you are coming with me”) but unlike Christ, when Murphy came back he did it with a better name and a duffle bag full of “Fuck you”. Jesus came back with the inability to hold Skittles, Murphy came back with teflon coated armor. Detroit 1, Jerusalem 0.

Both have 3 main adversaries but Christ’s are not anywhere near as good or badass. Christ can only count Satan, human avarice and lumber. Let’s take a look at the hardcore mother fuckers Robocop is up against:

1. ED 209.

The Enforcement Droid Series 209 is no bullshit. He’s programmed for urban pacification which by OCP standards means “Shooting the offending party as many times at it takes for it to become passive”. He doesn’t care if you put down your weapon or not, you still have 15 seconds to comply. Comply with what? Your right to twitch violently as he unloads round after round of lead flavored justice into you and your DKNY suit jacket while turning you into junior executive flavored ground beef.

2. Dick Jones.

He’s number 2 at OCP and believes that good business is where you find it. Good business and hand grenades for anyone who pulls a power play behind your back at a board meeting. While all the bitches of the business world like Bill (antitrust allegations) Gates and Steve (shitty end user agreement) Jobs are busy being little business pussies, thinking they are all badass because they break a few paltry rules Jones is busy getting plenty pissed. Did you just FUCK with the wrong guy? Dick Jones will let you know. Did you badly miscalculate a simple math equation as to what would happen when the president of the company retired? Dick will let you know. Was the real tragedy that you could have been friends? He’s got an answer for that too.

How fucking badass is Dicky boy? Let’s put it this way, when the guy you’re up against uses police officers as a form of currency you can safely put yourself in the “Pretty much fucked” category.

3. Clarence Boddicker.

Now Clarence is pretty bad but it’s not the fact that he’d blow your hand off without hesitation or even that his default idea of acceptable human interaction is to dip his fingers in your red whine while hurling racist comments at you, it’s the fact that he’s an evil character PLAYED by an evil character, namely Kurtwood Smith. Think about it, has he ever played ANYONE who wasn’t inherently evil?

It’s pretty much agreed upon in Hollywood that if you need ultimate destruction you write a nuclear explosion in the script, and if you need ultimate evil you call Kurtwood Smith and see if he’s not too busy stomping boxes of kittens flat and punching nuns so hard their eyeballs fly back in time to witness the birth of Christ, if he wouldn’t mind terribly coming by and lending some of his unfathomable well of evil to your film.

You know what’s funny about his role in Robocop? It’s that they originally told him to be a bad guy but the amount of pure malevolence he poured into the role actually melted the film, the cameras and some of the more slightly built people on the crew. It looked like they had to recast him until someone had the idea to ask him to change his role and be a GOOD GUY. That was the only way they could reduce his evil to documentable levels for the film! What you’re actually seeing is Smiths interpretation of how he thinks UPSTANDING MORAL CITIZENS ACT! Can you fucking imagine, can you even COMPREHEND what he was doing the first time around? If pretending to be some sort of gun that goes “Neen-neen-neen–neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-!” before he blows a cops hand off is his idea of a NICE guy, you can only imagine the fucked up shit he did when he wasn’t trying.

An evil man is the kind of person who demands to fuck your wife in front of you for his amusement, Kurtwood Smith demands that your daughter comes downstairs so he can use her as a condom while he fucks your wife. Satan can’t even step to that shit.

Finally, I would like to point out that Christ has not, I repeat, has NOT, as of this moment, defeated Satan. There’s been a lot of talk, but there hasn’t been a throwdown that’s resulted in the Prince Of Darkness being so much as hucked through a plate glass window in a cocaine factory, let alone defeated entirely. Robocop has successfully turned Clarence Boddicker’s neck into what basically amounts to a strategically placed USB port, gave ED-209 the reverse Christopher Reeve treatment (He could still walk but not much else!) and turned Dick Jones into the first kite with a 6 figure income. Now don’t get me wrong, Jesus made a decent entrance, especially walking on water and a few other good tricks, but he’s really been resting on his laurels and hasn’t made any real advancements since then. Seriously dude, you’ve been on the radar for 2,000+ years and you’ve abolished how many of your enemies? Robocop took care of all of his and it only took a running time of 102 minutes. Step your game the fuck UP Jesus!

Here are a few more similarities wherein Robocop’s version is far superior to the Holy Ghost:

Much like the bible, Robocop has a scene with only 2 words, but Robocop’s 2 word verse is far better:

The Holy Bible: “Jesus Wept”
Clarence Boddicker: “BITCHES LEAVE”

Another thing that makes Robocop better than all other religions is that no one ever misinterpreted Robocop’s message and then went on a killing spree outside an abortion clinic or any other such bullshit. I remember watching it as an impressionable youth and the only thing it caused me to do was go out and make robot sounds while walking around and have nightmares about ED-209 for the next 25 years. Christianity alone is responsible for countless wars, executions, murders, bombings and all sorts of other garbage that just wasn’t even worth it.

Robocop also has the market cornered in doctrine, observe!

The 10 Commandments of Robocop

1. If it is good, buy it for a dollar
2. Come quietly or there will be…trouble
3. Stay out of trouble
4. Dead or alive you are coming with him (unlike Jesus who only offers to take you with if you believe in him, Robocop will take you with him regardless of your inability to believe in him or your status as a breathing human)
5. Serve the public trust, protect the innocent and uphold the law (Nothing in there about hating gays, not eating pork or any other crapola, just plain good old fashioned do-goodery, who the hell can argue with that!?)
6. Violence is not the answer, unless it’s fucking awesome, in which case heap that shit right on there!
7. Honor thy father and thy mother, or in this case, Omni Consumer Products, which has entered into a contract to run local police, so don’t arrest any senior executives.
8. Thou shalt not bear any false witness, instead use your handy Data Spike (USB? That shit’s for pussies) and your onboard computer assisted memory to incriminate people who shout their confessions at you while you’re hurling them through walls.
9. Thou shalt not advise others to “Kiss the mayor’s ass goodbye”
10. Thou shalt not kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake, even if you plan on erasing that mistake at a later date.

Now, if you’ve all heard my words and know them to be true, I invite each of you to step forward to the alter to accept Robocop as your savior and join me in the Daily Prayer of Robocop…

“Our protector, who art in Detroit, badass be thy name.
Delta City come, and when it’s done, it’s streets will be so crime free.
Give us this day a rudimentary paste that sustains our organic systems
and forgive us our misdemeanors as we forgive petty infractions.
Lead us not into street gangs, but deliver us from a police strike.
For thine is the precinct, and the flat black Taurus, forever and ever, kick ass.”

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In the past my art has been made for mainly 2 reasons. The first was usually as gifts for friends, heavy ass gifts emblazoned with skulls and sharp edges capable of inflicted deep tissue lacerations, but gifts nonetheless. The second reason was as home decor because I’m too cheap to go to Hobby Lobby and buy some wicker baskets to spruce the place up.

My new reason for making art is to get my friend Kevin and my mother to shut the hell up about how I should be making art and selling it. I’d say they mention it about twice a month and this is an experiment to see if they are correct and I can indeed sell my art, or if they are wrong and I can tell them to be quiet already. In one scenario I get to be right, in the other I get to be wrong but I get money, which is kind of like a superior version of being right where it doesn’t matter how wrong you are because you’re holding a fistful of cash.

On to the sculpture itself. A lot of people list ordinary items on Ebay and Etsy claiming they have supernatural powers, are haunted or inhabited by ghosts of concentration camp victims, etc. I once saw a “Haunted” hope chest that claimed it was a WW2 item that smelled like piss sometimes. Unlike all the haunted crap on Ebay, this piece boasts some actual, real, quantifiable badassery so forget all those pee smelling antiques and listen up –
It is nearly 6 feet long and it weighs about as much as a teaspoon of supernova and is suitable for use as a murder weapon, and not in the Clue “In the drawing room with a candlestick” sense, but in the “When dropped from an aircraft onto a third world nation for purposes of genocide/ethnic cleansing” sense.

The unistrut used in the construction as well as the diamond plate are from my armored hearse, Alexi, so years from now when I am absurdly rich and famous you can brag that you own something that has pieces of my car on it. The gear in the center has its own story, a story that cost me 3 days of freedom and I am not going to go into for anyone who hasn’t paid for the piece, let’s just say it’s an interesting story and leave it at that.

So there you have it, this piece is for sale at $300. You can pick it up locally or I can ship it to you at cost. Any interested parties can contact me at I accept Paypal and credit/debit cards for payment. Giant piles of cash are also acceptable.

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Screw your bullshit job application questions

FYI, I was pretty tired when I wrote this, but I felt like posting something today.

Two things that can go get fucked so quick they’d make the Flash look like a geriatric turtle today…jobs that ONLY accept applications submitted through their website application process that ask you to upload a resume, THEN make you type in all the shit that was ON the resume you JUST uploaded. The other thing that can go get fucked is people who call BACK on applications and ask the question –

“If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be!?”

My answer is ALWAYS the same. I refuse to disparage myself, even to prove that I can. What’s the point, so you can hear me talk shit about the most awesome person I know, but not SO badly that you don’t want to hire me? Here’s a better idea, you go brush your asshole and your teeth so that when the pure force of how awesome I am hits you in the back of the head so hard that your spine folds, causing you to whip around into your own ass it will be a clean kiss, how about that?

Here is what I honestly tell these fools – “I am over 30, I have spent my entire life becoming the person I want to be, if I am not capable of doing that in over 3 decades I would be a sorry excuse for a man and I wouldn’t expect you to hire me”

No, I’m not making this up, I tell them this and sometimes they even want to press the issue, clearly not getting the hint but it’s true, I am who I want to be. Now, if you want to know what I’d change about everyone ELSE I can fill your ears with THAT.

What would I change about everyone else?

I’d pass a law that there are now 3 genders, female, male and bitch.

If you’re born with a vagina you’re automatically female. If you’re born with a dong you are by default a bitch. You cannot graduate from being a bitch until you can do ALL of the following, which most of you sad, pathetic, sorry excuse for men can’t do these days –

1. Fuck for more than 3-5 minutes without blowing your load. 5 minutes is a lot of time to wait for someone to pick up the phone, it’s a long time to wait at a stop light, but it aint a long time for dicking. Learn some control of your own body you inconsiderate assholes.
2. Change a tire, spark plugs and oil on your car. I am so sick of you dickless pussies who can’t do shit that 50 years ago EVERY man knew how to do.
3. Have had at least 2 fist fights in your adult life. You don’t have to win them, you just have to not be such a pussy that you run from them.
4. Remember at least 10 things your partner likes. Being a considerate partner, again, just something that makes you a man.
5. Actually know what a date is. You know how many women I’ve met lately that have NEVER been on a date? Seriously, what is with you sad fucks that you don’t know how to dress up and take a woman on a date?
6. Fix at least 3 household fixtures and own a hammer, pipe wrench, pliers, a complete metric AND standard socket set, a jack, duct tape, screwdrivers, drill, measuring tape and at least 5 more common tools aside from the one listed above that you can only use for 3-5 minutes before it wears out and you need a new one.

And what’s with you WOMEN who put out for these sorry sacks of shit? You’re half to blame in this too! Start demanding a little more and maybe guys will shape the fuck up and put on their A game.

I’d make the act of sending more than 2 texts per hour for ANY reason while in the company of actual human beings is legal cause for the other person whose live, in the flesh company you are actively and rudely ignoring to grab your head and slam it against the table. A second offense within 132 months is cause for the victim to jam your phone into the smallest orifice you possess.

Speaking of phones, anyone who has a smart phone should only be able to use it when wearing a giant, neon DUNCE hat. Seriously, technology is supposed to do things a human CAN NOT DO, technology these days does shit you’d have to be retarded not to be able to do on your own, like navigate the fucking city you live in, decide where to eat at or look up shit that should be common knowledge.

I’d make wearing a V-Neck as a man punishable by death.

If you are a man and you wear a V-neck sweater you were actually born with a vagina. Seriously, check it, it’s probably still there and needs to be cleaned because you forgot about it until the moment you saw that V-Neck and did NOT immediately think “I’m not wearing that shit, what the hell is it doing in the MEN’S section!?”

I’m ok with guys doing a lot of things, wearing makeup, doing other men (because honestly, the MANLIEST thing you can EVER do is fuck another guy) but wearing a V-neck is like riding a My Little Pony bike. I will never EVER respect any guy who wears a V-neck ANYTHING. A pink polo shirt is better than that. I’ve seen guys wearing leather harnesses with giant studs and a buttplug and not thought “Whoah, what a femme!” but EVERYTIME I see a V-neck I think that without fail.


Playing video games in front of your girlfriend – Here’s another complaint I am hearing from a lot of women “Yeah, I was with my boyfriend the other night and I just sat there the whole entire time while he played Call Of Duty”

If this is you, if you have EVER had a girl over and for ANY reason had them sit around while YOU play a video game…uhm…there’s no nice way to put this…FUCK YOU. First off, you’re an asshole, no one wants to watch you play video games for two reasons. The primary reason is that it’s inconsiderate, it’s like inviting someone over to watch you eat a giant pizza but not offering them any. Secondly, modern video games suck a lame camel’s dick. There, I said it. What do I mean? How can I possibly ignore the awesome graphics and soundtracks and bullshit like covert missions and yackity fucking smackity of a modern video game? How can I say games suck when there are zombie add ons and bullshit like that? Pretty fucking easily, that’s how.

I hate new video games. For one thing there are always a million god damned buttons so I can do shit like change the camera view. If I need more than one stick to walk forward and ruin someone’s shit in a video game, it’s already failed at the design stage. I shouldn’t spend the first day of playing game feeling like I’m a recovering degenerative disease patient trying to learn to walk and fire a Mac10 again.

The other thing is this – reloading is bullshit. I hate all the games where I have to reload shit, ESPECIALLY THE HANDGUN. Like Asimov created the rules of Robotics, Atari created the rules for video game guns and it’s that your shitty default weapon, the handgun, NEVER EVER runs out of bullets.

The other problem is that games are WAY too realistic. No, I’m not complaining about the fact that there’s realistic gore, adult themes or the chance that it will trigger a culture of violence in our youth, I’m pretty ok with all of that, it’s that video games are now emulating BORING SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. I was playing some shooter game set in Iraq and I remember walking around because you had to GO FIND the enemy. Seriously. They were there, somewhere, but not exactly where I was at, so I wandered into a warehouse and shot at a propane tank for like 5 minutes before turning the piece of shit game off.

Hey, dipshit designers, I am NOT going to go look for my enemy. As far as video game me is concerned if the second I hit select start the enemy is not pouring over the walls shooting at me there is NOT a problem. I am not going to go out and intentionally start shit just so I can shoot something, PLUS I’d have to go find ammo and rocket launchers and flack jackets. I hate this shit, it’s like in video games now I have to spend half my time working my ass off getting the shit I’ll need to have a few minutes worth of fun. I actually have to WORK in a GAME. Fuck that, I HAVE a situation that requires huge amounts of effort for highly disproportionate amounts of payoff, it’s called LIFE. My video games should not involve that level of bullshit.

Anyways, if any potential employers Googled my name after finding my resume…let me close by saying I’m an ambitious team player who loves people.

And I can fuck for more than 5 minutes.


PS! The Nurse Necro MD Kickstarter page has a few days left, go check it out and help SORP Films make our newest, most bad ass movie to date!

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