The worst sex moves of all time

Sex is one of those things that people think improves with certain moves. Like knowing some form of dick Ju Jitsu is going to absolutely melt a lovers snatch clean off her body with your awesomeness. People love to think that there are magical moves, a series of actions that will always work. There aren’t, it’s a myth. Part of why people want to believe in moves is because it suggests there’s a sure fire way of delivering the best sex out there. There IS a way but most people will never believe it.

Want to be the best possible lover out there and truly fuck with the eagles? Here’s your fucking move: Give a fuck whether or not you’re good at giving a fuck AND be enthusiastic.

If you care whether or not you’re a good lover chances are you will be. Ask what your partner likes, give a shit and deliver what they want and trust me, you’ll get callbacks.

Back in the day I had a friend who, I will admit, was great looking. Problem is, that was all he knew how to be, it was the only move in his arsenal. Show up, be good looking, get laid. It’s the same with having a big dick, people think that’s the only thing they need to be an awesome lover. Fact is, if you want return business having a nice cock or face isn’t going to cut it. This guy almost never got fucked twice by the same girl because he didn’t think anything but how great looking he was contributed to his prowess as a lover and he couldn’t be bothered to care if he did a good job.

The second thing I mentioned, enthusiasm. If you’re excited as hell to fuck your partner they will pick up on it and be excited too. I mean, don’t blow your load 2 minutes into it, but be genuinely stoked about sex and the fact that YOU’RE LITERALLY INSIDE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING! FUCK! That shit is so awesome.

On the subject of moves, I’d like to take a moment to talk about how most of them actually suck ass (and not in the rim job way) because they are way overrated. Here is a short list of supposedly awesome sex scenarios that are in fact totally fucking worthless:

4. Waterbed sex. Apparently waterbeds are still a thing. I can’t imagine them in any bedroom that doesn’t have a lava lamp and a Nagel painting but apparently the rumor that sex on a waterbed is awesome still exists. As someone who has attempted it, let me assure you, it’s bullshit. You can’t get a good footing for thrust and the theory that wave action will make it easier is patently false.

3. Shower sex. Fuck this whole concept. Right off the rip, unless your woman is taller than you, you’re going to have to adopt some ludicrous crab man stance to get your dick low enough to get up in her guts. This means compromising your already shitty footing just to get your wang in at the right angle. Add to that the fact that water is NOT a lubricant and is going to wash away your natural lube that’s happening down there shower sex is about as sensual as dry humping a water pump that’s shorter than you are while on a Slip N’ Slide.


2. Fucking against a wall. I’ve gotten several requests for this through the years and let me just say, fuck you for asking. I know I just said listen to your partners needs but let me amend that statement to “listen to your partners needs that aren’t fucking stupid”

So if you want this, I’ve got one of two options, the aforementioned crab stance, which is a pain, or I can lift your legs off the ground and hold you in the air, against the wall. So that means the dude is effectively doing 100% of all the work. ALL OF IT! You just added at least 100 lbs of heavy lifting to the workload! Fuck you and your high maintanence dicking needs, I’m down with extra effort and doing some crazy shit but if I wanted to lift weights I’d go to the gym.

1. The 69. Has there EVER been an idea that people think is more awesome than 69? It’s like the communism of sex moves.

The whole point of getting head, which IS one of the most awesome things in sex, is that whether you’re a guy or a girl, you get to lay back, enjoy the ride and revel in the fact that the opposite genders head is all up in your privates. You’re fucking someone’s face, it just doesn’t get any better than that folks. The problem with 69 is, you’ve taken 50% of that away because now you can’t sit back and relax, YOU have to perform now too. Additionally, you’re not doing THEM any favors because you’re not giving them good head because you’re not concentrating. So you have 2 people who are both giving head poorly and have assholes in their faces. How in the hell is THIS a winning move?


About zacharybyronhelm

Urban explorer, hearse driver, media whore, writer, film maker and general ne'er do well.
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