The ONLY thing Facebook ever got right

Although I am sure tons of mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, chair moistening dildo polishers out there will disagree with me but if there is only one thing that Facebook has ever gotten right it is the fact that they don’t allow you to modify your profiles layout, theme, colors, etc.

Sure, you probably think there are tons of great things about Facebook and a lack of user control isn’t one of those things, but I assure you, if you think this, well there’s no other way to say it: The first practical application of time travel technology should be utilized to go back in time and place the 1st grade version of you on a bus that is 65% less lengthy than your standard issue grade school conveyance.

Misdirected praises for Facebook include:

“Well it’s a great way to connect with old friends!” which is by far the most common and most shitty excuse for praise EVER.

First off, people just tend to think that Facebook was the first site EVER that was capable of connecting people. In case you were born in 2001, let me assure you, it wasn’t. The ONLY difference between Facebook and Myspace, Livejournal or AOL chatrooms is that it requires you to use your REAL name. Let me just say this, the use of your real name isn’t as much an innovation of Facebook, it’s probably more or less the entire internet pulling it’s collective heads from the rectal cranial inversion that it’s been suffering since 1995. it’s the sound of several billion people all realizing at once that fake screen names make you sound like a retarded stripper online and that maybe just going with your real name makes you sound better and makes locating you easier because there is nothing as pathetic as a 48 year old man going by the name Dudemaster_McGothpants_666_woefull_nightsorrows_XXX.

Don’t thank Facebook for this innovation, thank yourself for abandoning your toolshed of an online persona.

“Well it’s free!” is another bullshit statement people like to use either as praise or a get out of jail free card when a service sucks. I assure you, it’s not free. Just because you don’t understand the mechanics of how indirect revenue streams works doesn’t mean NO ONE is paying the bills on it. I assure you, there’s profit to be had in free online services, otherwise no one would do them.

Secondly, just because you provided something for FREE doesn’t mean we can’t call you out for sucking giant monkey nads. Licking a hobos ass crack might be free but that doesn’t mean it deserves praise just because it was a cheap date.

A good example would be Firefox, which used to be a good browser until it came standard with the “Crash every 6 hours for no apparent reason” feature. I love when it crashes too because it prompts a little dialogue that says “Whoops! This is embarrassing!” before offering to restart all the windows I previously had open.

Yes, you should be embarrassed Firefox. No, owning up to it and offering to fix it doesn’t exonerate you, next time don’t fucking crash. Of course I want you to restart, I wasn’t the one who closed everything down so wouldn’t common sense dictate that you should fix your shit?

If you want praise, do a good fucking job. Just being free doesn’t get you off the hook when you’re absolute garbage.

At any rate, this isn’t about the litany of things wrong with Facebook, it’s about the only thing they’ve ever done right, which is to restrict dumbasses with no comprehension of memory usage from raping your eyeballs with bullshit animations, sparklies, music videos and Byzantine labyrinths of bullshit that barely pass as “custom layouts”.

What brings me to this is Tumblr. A website about pictures. Only that it’s not. I signed up for Tumblr a while back and aside from helping me spread some filth around the web, it’s pretty much useless.

I will break for a moment here to explain something: I am bitching about internet sites and I use them. Shouldn’t I recognize the dichotomy in such a tirade? No. Here’s why: I hate pretty much all internet sites with the exception of (because it’s awesome, a comedy site that subversively educates people) and a few others. The thing is, I produce entertainment on the web and I want people to see that entertainment so inasmuch as these sites wear me the hell out, I still utilize them because I am not so stupid as to neglect a source of traffic based purely on how poorly these sites are made.

Returning to my diatribe, the main currency on Tumblr is animated gifs. Words are worth about a peso, pictures a nickel and animated gifs are horse cocks made of gold that ejaculate cocaine.

Tumblr limits the size of gifs but not how many you can post. So if you subscribe to more than 10 people the odds that your computers gonna crash harder than a Taliban piloted airplane are pretty much guaranteed because everyone is going to be posting a cascading wall of bullshit animated 2 second gifs.

The openly editable profiles are the worst since Myspace days though. First off, there are a million choices and that sucks. Sure, choice COULD be a good thing but you know what? Sometimes a lack of choice is also good, it keeps you from wasting hours of your life tweeking some crappy shade of purple or lining up borders. I see some magnificent profiles on Tumblr but you know what? Fuck them.

I don’t really want to spend hours of my life trying to keep up with the neighbors online. If I want to get comptetive about something in life I would like for it to be something WORTHWHILE, not whose profile boasts the most effective use of the Bleeding Cowboys font. Fucking shoot me if that shit ever matters to me.

Then they have the option to add music. Ok, I love hearing new music, but I can search it out on my own. When you’re looking through Tumblr chances are you’re going to open several windows and when one lone asshole has some song from “Ocarina of Time” on his page and it starts playing over my own music, causing me to have to alt tab through multiple pages to find it, I don’t just want to pause it, I want to rape everyone and everything that person has ever held dear to them.


About zacharybyronhelm

Urban explorer, hearse driver, media whore, writer, film maker and general ne'er do well.
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