I am anticipating a sudden drop in my number of online friends and an immediate rise in hatemail. Why? Because today I am calling out cosplay girls.
I am a science fiction fan, and I mean that in the “I know who Theodore Sturgeon, Robert Sheckley, Fredirik Pohl and a whole bunch of other people you have no idea are because you think watching 6 seasons of Lost made you a hardcore Sci-Fi fan” and you’d think that I would be all about hot chicks picking up on my interests, but I am not. Why? Because these girls, as a general rule, suck.
The first thing about cosplay girls is that their average age is 11-17 years old. Now, I don’t have my law degree by any means but I am pretty sure that even SEEING a girl who is 14 and thinks a public appropriate outfit is one where there is a patch of fur covering her butt crack and 2 pieces of tape modestly concealing the part of the nipple that sticks out but leaving the aureola mostly exposed is grounds for a sex offense if you’re looking at it and over the age of 18.
And this is why some guys now have to go door to door and say hello to their new neighbors when they move into a new neighborhood
Let me put it to you this way, a good way of defining whether or not an underage girl in any given outfit is morally bad is to ask yourself the following hypothetical question: If said girl was on a stage and I had a dollar bill in my hand when the cops came through the door would I be spending the next 5 to 10 as the lowest ranking caste in the correctional system? Seriously, if having a picture of it on your hard drive would cause a statch charge it’s probably not good in public.
Also, cosplay girls, I have to bust your nuts on another thing: what you are doing is NOT costuming.
THIS is a costume:
THIS is a costume:
THIS is a slightly above average quality stripper outfit:
Costumes are things that completely transform a person into an unrecognizable form or a fantasy, they are things that require long periods of time and skill to create. Your work generally requires a wig from Ebay and some 1/8th yard snippets from the scrap bin at JoAnne Fabrics. Think I’m full of shit and don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me ask you this, and answer honestly: What was the last costume you had that DID NOT require a wig, used more than a yard of fabric and covered your mid riff? Yeah, I thought so.
It also bugs me that I see a lot of these people in general being hailed as “creative”. Replicating something someone else created is not creative. Creativity is making something new, that while it may have been influenced by other works, is largely an original idea executed in a new or interesting fashion. Being the 1,000,000,000th Slave Leia isn’t creative, it just means you’re nominally good at emulating, that’s really the highest praise you deserve. You’re an OK copy artist, congratulations at tracing the lines ass hat.
See, you’re not really even PLAYING or pretending at costuming. Your efforts are so weak that they couldn’t even be considered valid for costuming, what you’re actually playing at is whoring. I’m not saying you ARE whores, I’m saying you’re doing a fantastic job playing them. You’re kind of failing in two highly disparate yet somehow connected areas, namely costuming and slutting around. You’re failing at costuming because your craftsmanship is for shit and does not exemplify a concerted effort into the field and you’re failing at being sluts because you just look like one but you’re not actually ponying up the goods/effort in that area either.
I realize I’m being harsh here but don’t take it too personally, you’re in the right age group for this. When you live at home no one really expects a lot from you so half assing everything is ok, we’re not looking at any of you and expecting anything great so if the best thing you can provide the world with at this point is some prepubescent spank bank deposits, fine. Just do us all a favor and make up for it by doing something worthwhile later in life like curing cancer, teaching the next Helen Keller to talk or being at least nominally less worthless than you are now…unless of course you’re in your late 20’s and still doing this, in which case god help you. You’re in for a hard landing when reality sets in and you realize what a continental dollar male attention really is, especially when your 16 year old breasts make way for Harley Davidson udders. Being the hot chick people want to fuck has a way of leaving you optionless in your later years as no one wants to see an octogenarian Aeon Flux and slipping past the door guards for the merch room at the Trek convention isn’t really a career skillset.
Now look, I’m not against skanky outfits. I generally think you can judge how fucked a society is by how AGAINST girls in sexy outfits it is. I think that’s why the Middle East is such a mess, because they don’t embrace the awesomeness that is baby doll t-shirts but there’s an appropriate context here. I’m not a puritan, I’m about the least sexually uptight person on the planet but I restrict my appreciation to that of girls who are a legal age, which is more than I can say for most convention attendees.
Go to any convention and try this: Take a drink every time you see a group of cosplay girls with 5-10 sketchy as fuck, unshowered, greasy haired male photographers clambering for a shot. You’ll be dead from liver failure before you get past the galleria. You know the type, some jackhole who is age 24-98 who has a telephoto lens that can get a better clear shot of the Pillars of Creation than the hubble telescope and can make a 6,200 megapixel jpeg of a girls single pore from 1,200 feet away. A fucking creeper is what I’m getting at.
Look, I do female photography and I work damned hard NOT to be a creeper and I will admit, it’s hard. As a guy any time I get a camera in my hand I feel the urge to take a picture of hot chick but the thing is I can also control my breathing, NOT sweat profusely and kinda keep my shit in check so that I don’t convey the ultimate picture of a guy who is going to go home and knock his gong around the minute he gets that picture into Photoshop. Washing the bucket of grease out of your hair and not getting pathetically excited or frantic about shooting EVERY single girl at the con is a good start.
Not pictured: Subtlety
Not that they’d have sex with you anyways. They wouldn’t know what to do with a live penis. I have not personally had sex with a cosplay girl but I have friends in the age group who have and the general consensus is that the girls respond to a cock in their hands in roughly the same fashion as they would if you were to hand them the throttle stick on a Mig jet rocketing towards the ground and ordered them to pull out of an active tailspin, namely confusion bordering on terror.
Now hand them a Sword of Omens and they’ll play that thing like one of Ron Jeremy’s supporting actresses. Thundercat hos…or wait, did I get that wrong?
Speaking of swords, that’s another thing and this one isn’t limited to the chicks- cosplayers, your swords are fucking ridiculous. In the world of fake weaponry nothing is more absurd than a sword so huge you could cut a slice of cake from 2 zipcodes away but you actually COULDN’T because it’s made of duct tape. As a fan of fake weaponry I have to say, it’s got to be enough that it doesn’t work, don’t add to it by making it utterly functionless as well.
The other problem is, these girls don’t just stick to the anime conventions, nope. They have started invading Sci-Fi conventions as well. I know most of your 64 points of IQ went into deciding what blue wig you needed to wear so you could properly represent the image of some bullshit character, but ANIME AND SCI-FI ARE NOT THE SAME THINGS DUMBASS.
You’re the same types of people who go to a Japanese restaurant and demand eggrolls because you’re too god damned self obsessed to realize THIS SHIT DOESN’T CONCERN YOU. You’re so desperate to spread yourself around that you try to shoehorn your bullshit into ANY event no matter how inapplicable it truly is. You dumbasses show up to Sci-fi conventions dressed as anime characters, renaissance festivals dressed as pirates never thinking twice that you’re about as accurate as a harpoon used for sewing purposes.
That’s cosplayers in general, people who want to jam a square cock into a round vagina any chance they get.
When I first started going to the local Star-Fest/Sci-Fi conventions there was one basic category of attendees – Shitty looking 30-45 year old men with pot bellies who lived their off hours outside of being ardent coders by sleeping on the parent pillow. I rested comfortably knowing that if I were to go to a convention I would be surrounded by fat fucktards who smelled like bad butter and who would be wearing Klingon foreheads and giant oversized glasses from Lens Crafters that went out of style in 1982.
The problem is, as with any convention that is unconventional, it becomes a dumping ground for all the other crap that doesn’t fit anywhere else. People go “Oh look, people who are weird are here, I’m weird too so I won’t bother checking to see if my weirdness is COMPATIBLE, I’ll just dump my ass in there!”
Now all this could be ignored if I could just write it off on the same ticket that we give male cosplayers and sci-fi fans an active out with, namely that it’s excusable because you’re a nerd, socially retarded and don’t know any better because you spent all your life watching Star Trek, but that’s not the case. They’re not real nerds either.
A few weeks back I was at the club and some girl is going off on what a nerd she is. What were her credentials? Playing Call of Duty and Portal nonstop. That was it. I had to point out that being a GAMER is not the same as being a nerd but she just kinda looked at me as though I told her gravity was a liquid and it tasted like gummy bears. Great dumbass, you think playing video games makes you an intellectual elite with a taste for high quality fantasy? It doesn’t.
Am I bitter? Absolutely, 100%. Why? Because as someone who grew up being ostracized for being a dork ass outsider, someone who was routinely ridiculed by girls for not liking sports and trendy music I can I.D. shallow bitches from a mile away and it pisses me the hell off to see girls who most assuredly would have been treating nerd boys like lepers in middle school now capitalizing on their attention later in life because being a nerd is cool.
Lastly, Anime, I gotta say it… one thing you probably don’t realize is that anime isn’t a brilliant art form. You think it is because you have no frame of reference aside from flipping your shit in groups of 10 at the San Rio store but it’s actually kinda crap in Japan. If you had ever been to Japan you’d know that pretty much EVERYTHING in that place is accented with drawings so cute that they shit cartoon cats. In Japan Anime isn’t really this esteemed art form, it’s pulp, you’re celebrating something mass produced with very little attention to quality. It would be kind of like going to an art gallery in Canada that was filled with exquisitely framed American highway signs. The point is, Anime is the Coke bottle in “The Gods Must Be Crazy”.
At any rate, if you agree with this sentiment, feel free to cross post it. If you hate it and want me dead because I insulted you and your group of squeeling, Companion Cube loving friends feel free to direct your friends here to give me what for, seriously, burst your hearts hot shell upon me. I can imagine nothing better than a frothing group of cosplayers attempting to accost me at the next Sci-Fi convention with their giant tape swords and hand painted Mavaricks with pressure gauges hot glued to them.
For more of my insolence go to www.sorpfilms.net