Blatant lies about World War II that you’d probably believe

So there’s this awesome thing I discovered a while back and I wanted to share it with the world.

I was reading this article about the Allied forces in World War 2 attempting to make Hitler more docile by sneaking female hormones into his salads. The theory was that if we could manage to calm him down a bit it would be of strategic importance and give us the upper hand. I remember thinking at the time “Well that’s a pretty ingenious plan” at the time, with the possible exceptions being:

1. Instead of making him a more docile military leader they could have just snuck in arsenic and made him a much more DEAD leader.

2. While it would have MOSTLY worked, he would have been much more likely to be kinder and gentler 3/4 of the time but then there’d be about a week out of every month where he’d get unreasonably moody, demanding, bloated due to water weight gain and complainy and make up for it by being a REAL fucking cunt to the Jews, so it would probably come out in the wash anyways.

Anyways, it got me thinking that, shit, there are a lot of wild facts out there going around about World War 2 but in reality, there’s also probably a lot of bullshit too. I mean seriously, if I were to make up a lie, right here on the spot, would YOU know it? Aside from Googling it, would you have any real way to quantify what I was saying? Hell no. You don’t know shit about WW2. Want me to prove it? Ok, read on. I am going to tell you 2 things about that war and I want you to guess which one is a blatantly fucked up lie.

Item 1: The Great Panjadrum.

I’m not even entirely sure where to start with this one…the British military had this notion that strapping a shit ton of rockets to a giant wheel, laden with explosives and no discernible means of guidance was a REALLY good idea.

It wasn’t.

Your first indicator should be the use of the word “Great” in the devices name. You know how DVD’s try to sell more copies by attaching the words “Special edition” or “Unrated” to the packaging? Well, back in the old days the word “Great” was usually attached to shitty entertainers and sub-optimal engineering garbage we threw together at the last moment.

The first attempt sucked root as the Panjadrum just sat there and several rockets ripped off and went flying into the crowd of spectators. The solution, which would later become an oft employed strategy of the United States military in the face of any strategic failure, was as follows “Send more rockets”.

So they did, they attached a shitload more rockets at which point it did what any right thinking person who has ever seen a situational comedy already knew would happen, it took off like an NFL player accused of killing a pedestrian in a drunk driving accident and flew right the hell towards the spectators and engineers (yes, there were spectators because they decided to do this on a beach where a lot of people vacationed and apparently the phrase “Get the fuck back, we’re testing new explosives that might kill you all and it’s kind of a secret” hadn’t been invented yet.

However, that level of failure was merely tragic and had not yet crossed the line into “Hilariously tragic” and as such they set about attaching more rockets and trying one last time. Here’s an actual account of that day by a BBC reporter –

“At first all went well. Panjandrum rolled into the sea and began to head for the shore, the Brass Hats watching through binoculars from the top of a pebble ridge… Then a clamp gave: first one, then two more rockets broke free: Panjandrum began to lurch ominously. It hit a line of small craters in the sand and began to turn to starboard, careering towards Klemantaski, who, viewing events through a telescopic lens, misjudged the distance and continued filming. Hearing the approaching roar he looked up from his viewfinder to see Panjandrum, shedding live rockets in all directions, heading straight for him. As he ran for his life, he glimpsed the assembled admirals and generals diving for cover behind the pebble ridge into barbed-wire entanglements. Panjandrum was now heading back to the sea but crashed on to the sand where it disintegrated in violent explosions, rockets tearing across the beach at great speed.”

Ok, go back, re-read that and imagine Eddy Murphy and Jim Carey as the scientists shitting their pants in an over-animated and comic fashion as the retarded wheel of rocket firing death bore down on them at speeds in excess of 70 MPH and tell me that this isn’t a bullshit story taken directly from a scrapped buddy comedy. In my minds eye, I can see this event occurring in no other fashion than in sped up double time while “Yakkity Sax” plays as the soundtrack.

The project was scrapped for, get this, safety concerns. How badly have you miscalculated when your contribution to war is turned down because it’s PROBABLY TOO DEADLY. Because what you were proposing was just too damned fucked up to ever be considered for deployment? How many people out there can count “I made a weapon but it was declined by the military because they were all like ‘Whoa dude, waaaay too deadly for our liking!'” as a feather in their cap?

I can only imagine that everyone in this project went home and killed themselves, probably by trying to eat a toaster loaded with pop bottle rockets.

Item 2: Bat bombs.

Although widely rumored to be early products of Wayne Industries, these were in fact the brainchild of a dental surgeon who submitted the idea to the Whitehouse that we could attach small bombs to bats, release the bats over Japan where they would then fly into the rafters of building and explode a little while later.

Go back and read that sentence again, out loud. Someone, whose primary specialty in life was dentistry, had the gall to go to the Whitehouse and tell them that we should make bombs out of bats and level Japan with them. First off, I can only assume that the admissions policies for the oval office were FAR less strict back in those days, and secondly who the hell would have ok’d THAT?

Well they did. Someone actually went “Bat bombs, yeah that makes sense, let’s go ahead and get the ball rolling on that one!” The only logical conclusion I can make is that the 40’s were a time in which everyone, at every level in the chain of command in the United States Government had, in fact, come from a farm. That the nation was still so young that basically everyone, regardless of their position, knew how to milk a cow and shoe a horse, so when an idea like Bat Bombs came along it really sounded pretty plausible to the cabinet members in Washingtucky.

The plan was to dispatch 10 B52 bombers from Alaska to drop 1,040,000 bats onto Japan. There was one setback when the bats actually got loose and blew up the very place they were being housed at the time. That’s how you know the idea you came up with is a keeper, when whatever you’ve made to blow something the fuck hell up actually ends up blowing YOUR OWN shit up before you’ve even had a chance to test it, ask Ascanio Sobrero who couldn’t keep his invention from blowing up long enough to rebuild the previous manufacturing plants it it just got done destroying.

The Bat Bomb Project was nicknamed Project X-Ray by the military but it wasn’t for fear of discovery and subsequently compromising the integrity or the project, but because after spending over $2,000,000 on the project they would be god DAMNED if the Japanese heard about their idea and all died laughing before we had a chance to blow them up with our bats that we spent so much time working on. We’d just feel REALLY stupid then.

At any rate, X-Ray was cancelled when the atomic bomb started looking like a real feasible option and someone who wasn’t drunk on moonshine and in a position of power said “Yeah, let’s do THAT ONE!” because while I’m sure that the Bat Bombs seemed like a good idea at the time, it’s a bit like being trapped in a room where the only thing to stick your cock in is a toaster, but you feel silly when a vagina comes in at the last moment.

Alright, so you’ve heard 2 absolutely absurd stories of wartime haberdashery and I am going to give you all a moment to decide which one was total crap and which one was true. Scroll down when you’re ready to be dicked in the brain by historical accuracy.
Ready? The sad truth is, they’re both true. Both of these crazy ass, half baked train wrecks somehow made it beyond the stage where everyone involved should have been fired and made it to actual testing. Seriously, go look them up. This just proves my point that so MUCH wacky shit happened in WW2 that there’s a pretty good chance that if you blatantly lie about an event that never happened, people will never wise up and try to disprove it. World War 2 was pretty much a nonstop stream of historic fucking weirdness that after the fact just gets even more fucked up, like the fact that even though Hitler was being a dick, even by our lax racist standards of the 40’s, we still  bestowed the honor of being Time Magazines “Man of the year” and hosting the Olympics (not shitting you on either of those, go look them up)

As such, I want to conduct an experiment wherein I have concocted an awesomely blatant historical error that I want everyone to try to establish as a fact. Here it is –

At the beginning of the war it was un-seasonably hot in Germany so Nazi leaders had this idea – To lure all the Jews inside of the cattle cars by putting ice cream in the very, very back of each car. They did this because it was far easier than forcibly rounding up people and throwing them inside. As time went on and dairy became a more valuable commodity they stopped putting ice cream inside the cars and just started blatently lying, because Nazis are real dicks like that. The Nazis even went so far as to tell them that they made a mistake and the ice cream was in another train that would be along pretty soon so just keep working and they’d let them know when it got there.

The really FUCKED up thing is that they would carry this lie on for so long that when the Allied forces finally liberated the camps the first question that was usually asked was “Where is the ice cream?”

At any rate, let’s see if we can’t get this rumor started. The thing is, I need YOUR help to make this happen. It will be pretty easy I think, just wait for a situation where you can work it into conversation. Next time you’re at work and someone is like “Oh man, this policy change is total bullshit” just be all like “Yeah, this is like the ice cream with the Jews thing all over again” which will of course cause them to ask you what the flying dick squid you’re talking about and then you can launch into the story. Let”s make this happen! My goal is to get this on the History Channel by the end of the year!


About zacharybyronhelm

Urban explorer, hearse driver, media whore, writer, film maker and general ne'er do well.
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1 Response to Blatant lies about World War II that you’d probably believe

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