FUCK PANDAS: An objective analysis of a really shitty bear

So I was thinking about pandas today and it was getting me really fucking pissed. Pissed to the point where if I even SAW a panda today, I was going to punch it in it’s fuzzy black and white head and call it a bitch.

I have read 2 news reports lately about pandas refusing to fuck and how people are worried about their extinction. First of all, all sorts of animals go extinct every day but no one cares because they’re not cute like pandas it doesn’t matter as much apparently. Secondly, why the hell should we care if they don’t care enough to fuck each other?

You know what EVERY animal on this planet has in common? It’s that if you put 2 of them in a cage, they’ll fuck each other. Case in point, men’s prisons. Under normal circumstances most men won’t fuck another man, but when it’s the only other warm, semi moist love crack in the vicinity, with no chance of encountering the silk purse of a vagina for 10-20 years, you had better believe that butthole is going to be giving up core samples like it’s going out of style.

Hell, I have had 2 female rats in a cage and they finally decided it was time to fuck. They didn’t even HAVE anything to fuck with, but that didn’t stop them from trying. Now THAT’S the winning attitude! So we can see how strong the desire to bone each other is with all animals!

Not pandas though, they’re like fucking Morrissey and shit. Refusing to fuck, not telling anyone WHY, just leaving it as some obscure mystery. I’m pretty sure pandas are shitty vegans like Morrissey too, I can’t be bothered to look it up but I am gonna go ahead and state it as a fact. What the hell kind of pussy ass bear doesn’t eat other animals or fuck? When you’re a bear that is like god giving you the “Fuck, kill and eat anything you like, and you don’t have to do it in that order if you don’t want to because YOU’RE A FUCKING BEAR!” card, and these shitty animals are too stupid to cash in on it. Being a bear is like having a punch card to an all you can eat and fuck buffet but these putzfuck bears are sticking to the salad bar and keeping it in their pants.

That’s another thing, pandas are eating all our bamboo. If I have to watch faggy commercials about multimillion dollar companies telling ME to go green, then I should be allowed to go kill pandas as my contribution because they are doing NOTHING but not fucking and eating our forests, if anything letting them die out would be a bonus for the environment!

Not only that, but bamboo is like lumber to some of those Asian countries, or Oriental countries, or whatever we’re supposed to call them these days. There are still countries out there that have to build their shit outta bamboo, has anyone asked how pandas affect them!? Of course no one did, because no one has thought about this as hard as I have.

How the hell would you feel if you went to Home Depot and on your way out some bastard ass panda ate all your 2 by 4s? You’d be fucking pissed and you sure as shit wouldn’t stop to wonder if that panda could get it up with his old lady.

Then I read an article on National Geographics website about how they are giving porno videos of other pandas screwing to these 2 bears in captivity because they won’t fuck. I shit you not, read it here –

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/11/061113-panda-mate.html

A no shit, honest to god quote from the article – “They don’t know how to mate, so we need to show the male how through videos”

WHAT!? Now really, this is bullshit if I ever heard it. Why? Because we’re treating nature better than humans, that’s why. I got plenty of friends who can’t get a leg up when it comes to getting some chicks legs up, but no one is taking the time to instruct THEM on how to seduce a female, they’re on their own and if THEY want porn, they have to pay for it. Fuck pandas, if they want porn let them do what every god fearing teenager in America does, get a job in fast food and spend the bulk of their paycheck on a shitty porn VHS for $65 that will be poorly lit and full of people with discolored genitals pumping and grunting in a disingenuous fashion.

Why the hell is it OUR responsibility to make sure these limp dick bears are sexually aroused?

So in closing, fuck you pandas. If you’re too stupid to get on all that hot panda ass, well then you deserve to die.

About zacharybyronhelm

Urban explorer, hearse driver, media whore, writer, film maker and general ne'er do well. www.sorpfilms.net www.hearseclub.com
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One Response to FUCK PANDAS: An objective analysis of a really shitty bear

  1. Alert_KBN says:

    “you had better believe that butthole is going to be giving up core samples like it’s going out of style”

    “They didn’t even HAVE anything to fuck with, but that didn’t stop them from trying. Now THAT’S the winning attitude!”

    LMFAO

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