Traditionally I don’t talk a lot about my religion because people don’t usually look at me as someone with a spiritual side but I’m feeling compelled to talk about it today.
In all seriousness I have looked through many different religions, Christianity, Bhudism, Satanism, Wicca and quite a few more but in the end I found the answer that was right for me. I don’t talk about it a lot because I don’t want to deal with people’s judgment. It’s something that not a lot of people understand but I feel like if they did the world would be a better places so I think I am going cross that line today.
My religion is Robocop.
Robocop is better than all organized religions combined and just off the top of my head I can tell you a few reasons why Robocop is better than Jesus Christ without hesitation.
Like Christ Robocop rose from the grave after being wrongfully persecuted for his beliefs (Christ – “Turn the other cheek”, Murphy – “Dead or alive, you are coming with me”) but unlike Christ, when Murphy came back he did it with a better name and a duffle bag full of “Fuck you”. Jesus came back with the inability to hold Skittles, Murphy came back with teflon coated armor. Detroit 1, Jerusalem 0.
Both have 3 main adversaries but Christ’s are not anywhere near as good or badass. Christ can only count Satan, human avarice and lumber. Let’s take a look at the hardcore mother fuckers Robocop is up against:
1. ED 209.
The Enforcement Droid Series 209 is no bullshit. He’s programmed for urban pacification which by OCP standards means “Shooting the offending party as many times at it takes for it to become passive”. He doesn’t care if you put down your weapon or not, you still have 15 seconds to comply. Comply with what? Your right to twitch violently as he unloads round after round of lead flavored justice into you and your DKNY suit jacket while turning you into junior executive flavored ground beef.
2. Dick Jones.
He’s number 2 at OCP and believes that good business is where you find it. Good business and hand grenades for anyone who pulls a power play behind your back at a board meeting. While all the bitches of the business world like Bill (antitrust allegations) Gates and Steve (shitty end user agreement) Jobs are busy being little business pussies, thinking they are all badass because they break a few paltry rules Jones is busy getting plenty pissed. Did you just FUCK with the wrong guy? Dick Jones will let you know. Did you badly miscalculate a simple math equation as to what would happen when the president of the company retired? Dick will let you know. Was the real tragedy that you could have been friends? He’s got an answer for that too.
How fucking badass is Dicky boy? Let’s put it this way, when the guy you’re up against uses police officers as a form of currency you can safely put yourself in the “Pretty much fucked” category.
3. Clarence Boddicker.
Now Clarence is pretty bad but it’s not the fact that he’d blow your hand off without hesitation or even that his default idea of acceptable human interaction is to dip his fingers in your red whine while hurling racist comments at you, it’s the fact that he’s an evil character PLAYED by an evil character, namely Kurtwood Smith. Think about it, has he ever played ANYONE who wasn’t inherently evil?
It’s pretty much agreed upon in Hollywood that if you need ultimate destruction you write a nuclear explosion in the script, and if you need ultimate evil you call Kurtwood Smith and see if he’s not too busy stomping boxes of kittens flat and punching nuns so hard their eyeballs fly back in time to witness the birth of Christ, if he wouldn’t mind terribly coming by and lending some of his unfathomable well of evil to your film.
You know what’s funny about his role in Robocop? It’s that they originally told him to be a bad guy but the amount of pure malevolence he poured into the role actually melted the film, the cameras and some of the more slightly built people on the crew. It looked like they had to recast him until someone had the idea to ask him to change his role and be a GOOD GUY. That was the only way they could reduce his evil to documentable levels for the film! What you’re actually seeing is Smiths interpretation of how he thinks UPSTANDING MORAL CITIZENS ACT! Can you fucking imagine, can you even COMPREHEND what he was doing the first time around? If pretending to be some sort of gun that goes “Neen-neen-neen–neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-neen-!” before he blows a cops hand off is his idea of a NICE guy, you can only imagine the fucked up shit he did when he wasn’t trying.
An evil man is the kind of person who demands to fuck your wife in front of you for his amusement, Kurtwood Smith demands that your daughter comes downstairs so he can use her as a condom while he fucks your wife. Satan can’t even step to that shit.
Finally, I would like to point out that Christ has not, I repeat, has NOT, as of this moment, defeated Satan. There’s been a lot of talk, but there hasn’t been a throwdown that’s resulted in the Prince Of Darkness being so much as hucked through a plate glass window in a cocaine factory, let alone defeated entirely. Robocop has successfully turned Clarence Boddicker’s neck into what basically amounts to a strategically placed USB port, gave ED-209 the reverse Christopher Reeve treatment (He could still walk but not much else!) and turned Dick Jones into the first kite with a 6 figure income. Now don’t get me wrong, Jesus made a decent entrance, especially walking on water and a few other good tricks, but he’s really been resting on his laurels and hasn’t made any real advancements since then. Seriously dude, you’ve been on the radar for 2,000+ years and you’ve abolished how many of your enemies? Robocop took care of all of his and it only took a running time of 102 minutes. Step your game the fuck UP Jesus!
Here are a few more similarities wherein Robocop’s version is far superior to the Holy Ghost:
Much like the bible, Robocop has a scene with only 2 words, but Robocop’s 2 word verse is far better:
The Holy Bible: “Jesus Wept”
Clarence Boddicker: “BITCHES LEAVE”
Another thing that makes Robocop better than all other religions is that no one ever misinterpreted Robocop’s message and then went on a killing spree outside an abortion clinic or any other such bullshit. I remember watching it as an impressionable youth and the only thing it caused me to do was go out and make robot sounds while walking around and have nightmares about ED-209 for the next 25 years. Christianity alone is responsible for countless wars, executions, murders, bombings and all sorts of other garbage that just wasn’t even worth it.
Robocop also has the market cornered in doctrine, observe!
The 10 Commandments of Robocop
1. If it is good, buy it for a dollar
2. Come quietly or there will be…trouble
3. Stay out of trouble
4. Dead or alive you are coming with him (unlike Jesus who only offers to take you with if you believe in him, Robocop will take you with him regardless of your inability to believe in him or your status as a breathing human)
5. Serve the public trust, protect the innocent and uphold the law (Nothing in there about hating gays, not eating pork or any other crapola, just plain good old fashioned do-goodery, who the hell can argue with that!?)
6. Violence is not the answer, unless it’s fucking awesome, in which case heap that shit right on there!
7. Honor thy father and thy mother, or in this case, Omni Consumer Products, which has entered into a contract to run local police, so don’t arrest any senior executives.
8. Thou shalt not bear any false witness, instead use your handy Data Spike (USB? That shit’s for pussies) and your onboard computer assisted memory to incriminate people who shout their confessions at you while you’re hurling them through walls.
9. Thou shalt not advise others to “Kiss the mayor’s ass goodbye”
10. Thou shalt not kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake, even if you plan on erasing that mistake at a later date.
Now, if you’ve all heard my words and know them to be true, I invite each of you to step forward to the alter to accept Robocop as your savior and join me in the Daily Prayer of Robocop…
“Our protector, who art in Detroit, badass be thy name.
Delta City come, and when it’s done, it’s streets will be so crime free.
Give us this day a rudimentary paste that sustains our organic systems
and forgive us our misdemeanors as we forgive petty infractions.
Lead us not into street gangs, but deliver us from a police strike.
For thine is the precinct, and the flat black Taurus, forever and ever, kick ass.”