Screw your bullshit job application questions

FYI, I was pretty tired when I wrote this, but I felt like posting something today.

Two things that can go get fucked so quick they’d make the Flash look like a geriatric turtle today…jobs that ONLY accept applications submitted through their website application process that ask you to upload a resume, THEN make you type in all the shit that was ON the resume you JUST uploaded. The other thing that can go get fucked is people who call BACK on applications and ask the question –

“If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be!?”

My answer is ALWAYS the same. I refuse to disparage myself, even to prove that I can. What’s the point, so you can hear me talk shit about the most awesome person I know, but not SO badly that you don’t want to hire me? Here’s a better idea, you go brush your asshole and your teeth so that when the pure force of how awesome I am hits you in the back of the head so hard that your spine folds, causing you to whip around into your own ass it will be a clean kiss, how about that?

Here is what I honestly tell these fools – “I am over 30, I have spent my entire life becoming the person I want to be, if I am not capable of doing that in over 3 decades I would be a sorry excuse for a man and I wouldn’t expect you to hire me”

No, I’m not making this up, I tell them this and sometimes they even want to press the issue, clearly not getting the hint but it’s true, I am who I want to be. Now, if you want to know what I’d change about everyone ELSE I can fill your ears with THAT.

What would I change about everyone else?

I’d pass a law that there are now 3 genders, female, male and bitch.

If you’re born with a vagina you’re automatically female. If you’re born with a dong you are by default a bitch. You cannot graduate from being a bitch until you can do ALL of the following, which most of you sad, pathetic, sorry excuse for men can’t do these days –

1. Fuck for more than 3-5 minutes without blowing your load. 5 minutes is a lot of time to wait for someone to pick up the phone, it’s a long time to wait at a stop light, but it aint a long time for dicking. Learn some control of your own body you inconsiderate assholes.
2. Change a tire, spark plugs and oil on your car. I am so sick of you dickless pussies who can’t do shit that 50 years ago EVERY man knew how to do.
3. Have had at least 2 fist fights in your adult life. You don’t have to win them, you just have to not be such a pussy that you run from them.
4. Remember at least 10 things your partner likes. Being a considerate partner, again, just something that makes you a man.
5. Actually know what a date is. You know how many women I’ve met lately that have NEVER been on a date? Seriously, what is with you sad fucks that you don’t know how to dress up and take a woman on a date?
6. Fix at least 3 household fixtures and own a hammer, pipe wrench, pliers, a complete metric AND standard socket set, a jack, duct tape, screwdrivers, drill, measuring tape and at least 5 more common tools aside from the one listed above that you can only use for 3-5 minutes before it wears out and you need a new one.

And what’s with you WOMEN who put out for these sorry sacks of shit? You’re half to blame in this too! Start demanding a little more and maybe guys will shape the fuck up and put on their A game.

I’d make the act of sending more than 2 texts per hour for ANY reason while in the company of actual human beings is legal cause for the other person whose live, in the flesh company you are actively and rudely ignoring to grab your head and slam it against the table. A second offense within 132 months is cause for the victim to jam your phone into the smallest orifice you possess.

Speaking of phones, anyone who has a smart phone should only be able to use it when wearing a giant, neon DUNCE hat. Seriously, technology is supposed to do things a human CAN NOT DO, technology these days does shit you’d have to be retarded not to be able to do on your own, like navigate the fucking city you live in, decide where to eat at or look up shit that should be common knowledge.

I’d make wearing a V-Neck as a man punishable by death.

If you are a man and you wear a V-neck sweater you were actually born with a vagina. Seriously, check it, it’s probably still there and needs to be cleaned because you forgot about it until the moment you saw that V-Neck and did NOT immediately think “I’m not wearing that shit, what the hell is it doing in the MEN’S section!?”

I’m ok with guys doing a lot of things, wearing makeup, doing other men (because honestly, the MANLIEST thing you can EVER do is fuck another guy) but wearing a V-neck is like riding a My Little Pony bike. I will never EVER respect any guy who wears a V-neck ANYTHING. A pink polo shirt is better than that. I’ve seen guys wearing leather harnesses with giant studs and a buttplug and not thought “Whoah, what a femme!” but EVERYTIME I see a V-neck I think that without fail.

Lastly…

Playing video games in front of your girlfriend – Here’s another complaint I am hearing from a lot of women “Yeah, I was with my boyfriend the other night and I just sat there the whole entire time while he played Call Of Duty”

If this is you, if you have EVER had a girl over and for ANY reason had them sit around while YOU play a video game…uhm…there’s no nice way to put this…FUCK YOU. First off, you’re an asshole, no one wants to watch you play video games for two reasons. The primary reason is that it’s inconsiderate, it’s like inviting someone over to watch you eat a giant pizza but not offering them any. Secondly, modern video games suck a lame camel’s dick. There, I said it. What do I mean? How can I possibly ignore the awesome graphics and soundtracks and bullshit like covert missions and yackity fucking smackity of a modern video game? How can I say games suck when there are zombie add ons and bullshit like that? Pretty fucking easily, that’s how.

I hate new video games. For one thing there are always a million god damned buttons so I can do shit like change the camera view. If I need more than one stick to walk forward and ruin someone’s shit in a video game, it’s already failed at the design stage. I shouldn’t spend the first day of playing game feeling like I’m a recovering degenerative disease patient trying to learn to walk and fire a Mac10 again.

The other thing is this – reloading is bullshit. I hate all the games where I have to reload shit, ESPECIALLY THE HANDGUN. Like Asimov created the rules of Robotics, Atari created the rules for video game guns and it’s that your shitty default weapon, the handgun, NEVER EVER runs out of bullets.

The other problem is that games are WAY too realistic. No, I’m not complaining about the fact that there’s realistic gore, adult themes or the chance that it will trigger a culture of violence in our youth, I’m pretty ok with all of that, it’s that video games are now emulating BORING SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. I was playing some shooter game set in Iraq and I remember walking around because you had to GO FIND the enemy. Seriously. They were there, somewhere, but not exactly where I was at, so I wandered into a warehouse and shot at a propane tank for like 5 minutes before turning the piece of shit game off.

Hey, dipshit designers, I am NOT going to go look for my enemy. As far as video game me is concerned if the second I hit select start the enemy is not pouring over the walls shooting at me there is NOT a problem. I am not going to go out and intentionally start shit just so I can shoot something, PLUS I’d have to go find ammo and rocket launchers and flack jackets. I hate this shit, it’s like in video games now I have to spend half my time working my ass off getting the shit I’ll need to have a few minutes worth of fun. I actually have to WORK in a GAME. Fuck that, I HAVE a situation that requires huge amounts of effort for highly disproportionate amounts of payoff, it’s called LIFE. My video games should not involve that level of bullshit.

Anyways, if any potential employers Googled my name after finding my resume…let me close by saying I’m an ambitious team player who loves people.

And I can fuck for more than 5 minutes.

.

PS! The Nurse Necro MD Kickstarter page has a few days left, go check it out and help SORP Films make our newest, most bad ass movie to date!

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About zacharybyronhelm

Urban explorer, hearse driver, media whore, writer, film maker and general ne'er do well. www.sorpfilms.net www.hearseclub.com
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6 Responses to Screw your bullshit job application questions

  1. Amber says:

    Nicely said, well not in nice words but I agree whole heartidly. And the sad part is I own all those tools and can actually use them.

  2. Seriously, you should become an inspirational speaker, Already you’ve inspired me to make a cheese based monstrosity, sample your movies into my DJ sets and now you just posted what might as well be divine law. Thank your parents for me, for having created you.

  3. Melissa says:

    Thank you for saying what needed saying. I love that most anything I’ve ever seen you post is not only something that just seems to interest you, it’s a statement about the way things ought to be in the first place. You’re more of a man than most and not only have a lot of great ideas, but you actually have the balls to post it for what it is and make it a call to action for other people who are slacking in whatever department you’re bitching about that particular day. Thanks for laying it down like it oughtta be. It’s appreciated more than you realize.

  4. This has to be the most epic thing I have read in a long time.

    And I can fuck for more than 5 minutes, and I’m a man in a dress.

  5. Alert says:

    I can do all five things on the list FTW.

  6. Jason says:

    Zac when you can do what the grumpy cat says let us know K.

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