Stop and think about milk for a fucking minute.

So I was talking with Hannah the other day and I came to a realization…about…milk.

Chances are that you’ve never really thought about it, but you know the first guy to ever think of drinking milk was probably lynched. Really. Think about this shit for a second. A bunch of peasants, who are not the worlds most socially aware or accepting individuals, are sitting around and someone is like “Hey guys, have you seen Brogg Johnson lately” and everyone realizes that hey, it’s been a good fortnight since they’ve seen the guy so they go looking. They look EVERYWHERE for Brogg before someone suggests they go look around where the cows are.

Fuck it, why not, they’ve tried everywhere else, right? So they get there and sure as a peasant ladies butt is hairy, is Brogg Johnson, apparently jerking off a motherfucking cow!

“Jesus H. Christ Brogg! What the fuck are you doing!?” and other such predictable sentiments surely followed.

“Nothing! Just…uhm…GO AWAY!” Says Brogg.

“Were you jerking off that cow!?”

“Well YES, but WAIT! Hear me out okay? I was gonna drink the shit that comes out of this funky looking cluster of tiny penises on the bottom of it!”

“You sick fucking BASTARD!” They all exclaimed.

“No wait, I think this is something that cookies would go really well with!”

And with that they brutally clubbed him to death, not only for obstensibly being a cow molester, but for also ending a sentence with a preposition. Peasants were surprisingly intolerant of bad grammar. His family leaves town because you just can’t go into a Whole Foods, even an ancient one, after your husband got caught molesting a cow without feeling like everyone is judging you. Of course, we all know what happened next – Human nature and curiosity got the best of a few people and they tried it themselves, kind of like when someone starts talking about trying to suck their own dick or lick their own nipple. Inevitably you go into the other room and try it.

Of course people slowly came around to the idea and realized that good old Brogg was right and maybe, JUST MAYBE they acted a bit prematurely in ass stoning him to death (I’m not even really sure what ass stoning is, but it probably involves a butthole and some entirely inappropriately sized rocks because they weren’t very creative with public executions back then)

So Grogg Johnson, here’s to you, the unsung hero of the dairy industry. Thank you for your selfless sacrifice, you sick, cow masturbating fuck.

Advertisements

About zacharybyronhelm

Urban explorer, hearse driver, media whore, writer, film maker and general ne'er do well. www.sorpfilms.net www.hearseclub.com
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s