What I would do with a time machine

I’m not saying I have a time machine, I’m not saying that I am going to spend any amount of time trying to develop a time machine, all I am saying is that if anyone ever develops one, I don’t care how much it costs, I am going to buy one even if I have to sell a kidney (not one of MINE mind you, just A kidney) so I can go back in time and have sex with one person- Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Gos, circa 1990.


Figure 1. Jane Wiedlin whose eyebrows alone are crafted from the feathers of rare endangered tropical birds.

The rest of you can go back and kill Hitler, or tell MLK to duck at the appropriate moment and that’s fine. A time machine is a serious invention that should only be used for the good of humanity and to avert disasters that had catastrophic repercussions and that set the world back in many social and economic ways, but at least ONE person should use the time machine for completely selfish and sexy reasons. I submit that that person should be me.

No matter what invention is created it’s only a matter of time before some dick comes along and misuses it, often for paltry, self serving ends. I say that in an instance as profound as time travel that we need to make sure we have  the RIGHT person to do the WRONG thing, and I can think of no better way of doing that than sending me back in time so I can have sex with Jane Wiedlin, especially if she’s just getting off the set for the “Cool Jerk” video because DAMN, look at her!

While she MIGHT be saying “Cool Jerk” all I keep hearing is “I want to fuck you so hard that scientists would classify it as an extinction level impact event, Zachary Byron Helm”Now, I am fairly certain that she might be a lesbian because she’s active in the gay rights community and there are pictures of her wearing a giant KD Lang style suit but see, this is where my knowledge of the future works to my advantage because while 2011 Jane Wiedlin might know she’s gay, there is still a VERY substantial chance that 1992 Jane Wiedlin is still on the fence about the whole thing. Think about this, I could be the guy that pushes her over the edge into becoming a lesbian! Now there’s a feather in my cap!

But in all seriousness, I think Jane is hot as hell. I made a short list of the reasons I’d have sex with her and I bet you’d all like to hear it at least 1/100,000th as much as I’d like to share it with you, maybe a little more.

5. She’s got one of them “Squeeky” voices. You can have your women with sultry, Kathleen Turner voices, but me? I’ll take a woman that sounds like a mouse trapped in a door hinge ANY day of the week over that, and NO, I’m not kidding.

4. Jane was also in in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and is probably the only person who could EVER make me want to break one off in Joan of Arc.

3. She’s kinda gothy but also looks like an explosion at a seconhand store which has certain appeal for reasons I can’t even fathom, but it’s there.

2. Every time, without fail that I hear her do that crazy “yowl” in a song, ie: “Cool Jerk” and “We Got The Beat” it reminds me of every girl I’ve ever dated who sucked because she was quiet in the sack and how if it was up to me, I’d develop a muzzle that emitted Jane Wiedlin’s yowls so I could use them on any girl who wasn’t a freaking screamer.

1. The Go-Go’s music reminds me of a time in which things were simpler and more fun. A time in which anything was possible and their music has a good hearted, sincere and wholesome message of positivity…and that gives me a raging huge boner.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d STILL have sex with 2011 Jane Wiedlin, I remember that the Go-Go’s were going to tour a few years back and they didn’t because she fell while rock climbing and broke her hip. I was pretty bummed, not only because a very talented musician and innovative influence on rock and roll was injured, but also because I had sincerely hoped that any pelvic injuries she’d endure would at least be a result of a steamy night with me in some hot tub somewhere.

Still don’t believe me? Ok, now go watch this video…

Right at 0:14 see where she’s doing that cute little arm roll thing? That fucking KILLS ME! I’ve probably watched this video enough times that when I die you’ll be able to cut open my brain and find the whole fucking thing, frame by frame, imprinted on several layers, like a flat screen TV that was paused on the same movie scene for too long.

Probably the last thing on the list, Jane Wiedlin has a nose, a real one, not some cutesy little upturned “Cast of 90210 forgettable blonde hussy Hollywood actress” noses, but a nice longish, respectable one. Ok, here is what I don’t get, as Americans we like big things. Bick cars, big tits, big dicks, but why the hell do people get all wussy when it comes to a nice big nose?

Seriously? Women with big noses are fucking HOT, there is no other way around it and uhm, not really any jokes to be had here. I’d take a big nose over huge tits any day of the week, in fact if I were Lifetime Dictator Supreme of the entire world, I’d enact a law wherein if you wanted to get a breast job it would only be legal if you were willing to add an equal amount of silicon to your nose.

Anyways, in closing here’s a shit ton of hot ass Jane Wiedlin pictures, and Jane, if you’re reading this meet me by the Delorean out back in 20 minutes.

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here, but there are TWO Janes in the same video frame and I am pretty sure the one in the background is screaming “Come back here and FUCK ME JANE WIEDLIN!” because she is so hot that even badly superimposed images of Jane Wiedlin want to fuck Jane Wiedlin.

Failing the development of a time machine, I will settle for a “Turning myself into a banana” machine in light of this picture.

Paging Joan Jett, the hotter in leather, squeekier influence on rock and roll is on line one!

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About zacharybyronhelm

Urban explorer, hearse driver, media whore, writer, film maker and general ne'er do well. www.sorpfilms.net www.hearseclub.com
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7 Responses to What I would do with a time machine

  1. Chelsea says:

    How long did it take you to clean up after writing this?

  2. Kingeryck says:

    OK, can I have the redhead?

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention What I would do with a time machine | zacharybyronhelm -- Topsy.com

  4. :::: applause ::: Bravo. Ten points for style.

  5. ::: applause ::: Bravo. Ten points for style.

  6. JUAN says:

    Zack, I fully agree with you, she´s extremely sexy, abd she´s got class; I can´t forget here in that video “head over heels”, angel face in such a pretty mini skirt.
    I´ll make my own time machine, and goinna get her at the “whiskey a go go”, back in 1978

  7. muckle says:

    I too am captivated by women with big noses, and the absolute coup de grace, short hair and bangs. From the first moment I saw Jane Wiedlin she ruled my libido. I used to call out her name when I was having sex with my first wife. “Oh, Jane, fuck me, Jane!”

    Luckily my first wife’s name was also Jane so it worked out pretty good. She thought she had her own groupie. But then I continued my orgasmic shout-outs to “Jane” when I married my second wife, Victoria. She didn’t find it quite so fucking cute.

    So … I’m looking for number three.

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